Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Another Lesson Learned the Hard Way

I had been following a gently cleansing diet for nearly 2 months before I went to Calgary last week. Yes, I also did the Wild Rose D-Tox as part of it. (I must have been inspired by Karen's tales of 'ass blasting trips to the loo'... or not.) Even though, from the outset, it sounds nearly impossible to stick to an eating plan that forbids such wonderful foods as:

- chocolate
- cheese (and yogurt. And dairy except for butter. BLESS BUTTER!)
- fermented foods including vinegar (no pickles!), tempeh, soy sauce, yeasts, and alcohol
- wheat and flour
- refined sugars, including honey
- caffeine
- tropical fruits like pineapple, mango, papaya, and even dried fruits and grapes

... I find my body really loves me back when I make a valiant attempt to cut the crap out. It (my body) rewards me in multiple ways for my efforts, like keeping my stomach regular-looking and not bloated out like a nine-month pregnant belly every night; keeping my skin clear and more elastic; affording me more energy and stamina; and even letting me slip back into my favourite pair of pants without busting any seams. (My ma bought them for me in Thailand, where the sizes go something like: XXXS, XXS, XS, S, or GIANT THAI FISHERMAN'S PANTS FOR MEN. Of course they will always be too small unless I'm very diligent. Very. Very. Diligent.)

'The Pants' when they fit, circa 2006. Please ignore the 'long-haired-cat-in-a-steam-bath' look of the top half. FOCUS ON THE BOTTOM HALF!

Alas, although a cleansing diet helps transform 'Dana L.' into 'SUPER FABULOUS Dana L.', one (major) downside to the regiment is that I'd need much more than imaginary super powers to keep it up while on the road or visiting with... pretty much anybody. (Aside from my equally-sensitive-to-nearly-every-food-on-this-earth friends, and I have to say, I have quite a few of them!) Try stopping at any restaurant or eating over at anybody's house and handing them a list of all the 'do not eat' foods. That would pretty much be your cue to leave... Thank goodness I'm a social recluse for the most part!

When we went to Calgary, I decided to adopt the 'resistance is futile' motto, especially because I knew we would be staying at my inlaws' place, where fried foods, white flour, and melted cheese reign queen. I figured that I had been eating so well and being so good for so long that I could afford to relax the rules a little bit-- nay, I even deserved a break from all my saintliness.

Let's never do that again, OK?

We celebrated Marty's belated birthday with one of his mom's specialties: a monstrosity of a cake that managed to combine nearly half of the 'not allowed' foods into one gloriously elaborate confection. In one sitting, I ate a piece of white, wheat flour cake mixed with COCONUT CHOCOLATE and filled with layers of pudding, whipped cream, and pineapples. Oh, and sugar. Lots and lots of sugar. (I declined the offer to wash it down with a glass of red wine.) Resistance is futile, right?

As I was eating the cake, I thought to myself: 'This isn't so bad. It's not like the sugar and flour and dairy and tropical fruits and chocolate are killing me'. But then I had to digest it all. And let's just say I might as well have strapped a john to my ass (no, not that kind of john-- THIS IS A DIRT FREE BLOG! Well, sort of. I am talking about ass-blasting trips to the loo after all...).

The problem with the whole situation is that I only know how terrible I felt afterward, but not what food specifically triggered the horribleness. The whole point of eliminating so many foods at once is to re-introduce them gradually, and one at a time, so that your body can tell you plain as day what feels good and what doesn't. None of this smörgåsbord of everything-bad-all-at-once.
So it's time to start over now, isn't it? On Sunday when we got back home, I made not one but two wholesome soups, and I've been diving back into the goodness of salads and grains again. And butter. Sweet, sweet butter.

Lessons learned: 1. Resistance is NOT futile. Vive le resistance! 2. When trying to strike a balance in the eating department, the balance does NOT consist of nothing-nothing-and-nothing on one hand, and sugar-wheat-flour-dairy-more dairy-chocolate-and-pineapples on the other. But wouldn't it be neat if it did?


Robin said...

Ouch, nothing like being reminded of something the hard way! Hope things get back to normal soon :)

Rose Fluxes said...

Pauvre Dana - I feel for you and your digestive system and your desire to wear those pants which are incredibly cool. I also wanted to support your claim that pants come in XXXXXS-S or mondo fisherman pants in Thailand. I came pretty close to the fisherman pants.

dana said...

I hear ya, Rose. My ma actually bought me two pairs of the same pants. It's great when I can slide right into the smaller ones without any major issues, but it was incredibly demoralizing when I tried on the large(r) size not too long ago and couldn't even manage a waddle walk. Or breathing. Painted on doesn't even come close to describing the scene...

karen said...

Jesus christ on a pogo stick Dana. You are a paragon of virtue. And again.. I miss you terribly.