You Can’t Make This Shit Up, Partner Edition

I was digging through some old journals of mine the other day, and I came across a lengthy list of traits I was looking for in my ideal partner. There was no date on the list, but judging by the title of it (which happened to be lifted directly from a crappy country song), I imagine it was penned back in the days when I used to listen to Country 105 religiously. In other words, this list must have originated some time between 1990 and 1993. (And yes, I’m wincing right now at the whopping three-year span of my listening to Country 105 as a devoted faithful…)



I’m pretty sure that I wasn’t the only person in the world who had ever thought about what qualities I would like to have in a partner. I’m probably not even alone in having written many of those qualities down. The thing is, though… I was pretty specific in my list. Instead of a generic “tall, dark, handsome” list, I’d narrowed down my ideal partner to a certain height (6’2’’ or 6’3’’—only an inch grace!), a certain build (“Muscular, but not too big or small. Either a cyclist, swimmer, or runner. Nice legs.”), and a specific eye color (“Green. Will settle for other colours, though.” <-- Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Will settle??! Thank goodness I’m so flexible and accommodating!)




The list itself spans two full pages, single spaced. Altogether, it consists of 47 bullet points/qualities that I simply had to have in a partner of mine. I’m proud (and a bit astonished) that I very eloquently specified my partner should not discriminate towards people based on race, sexual orientation, or ability. (Had I been a bit more educated in the PC department back then, I might have also included religion, age, class, gender, social power, and a whole host of other indicators on that list, but at least I had the generic idea in place!) I smile knowingly at some of the other points (“artistic”, “speaks another language, hopefully something from Eastern Europe”), and then there are the points I just have to shake my head and laugh at. My personal favourite from the latter category:


“Will have many photos of the two of us together, possibly framed and hanging up in his bedroom.”


Hmm… Issues, much?


I did a neat little exercise to see how Marty compared to my decade-and-some old list. Despite not meeting a number of criteria (like the Very. Specific. Height range), he actually nailed a lot of the other ones (e.g. he’s a cyclist, a swimmer, and a runner. Yup. Triathlete. Said like I’ve been saving it up for the high school reunion... PS: He would never say anything like that about himself, and he’d probably also be pretty horrified to discover me bragging about it on my blog… Forget I ever mentioned it.) Anyway, it looks like I’ve been blessed with somebody who meets all of the criteria that actually matter in life and who teaches me about the ones that ultimately don’t matter so much. Awww…

The lovers beneath 'The Lovers' rock formation in Adrspach-Teplice, CZ