Here is the infamous Bishop Essay, unabridged and unedited from its original glory. (I debated choosing the ‘large’ font size to stay true to the original flavour of the essay, but then I decided it would just be annoying.) Enjoy!
Bishops are clergymen, Their rank is above that of a priest, but below the status of a pope. They typically govern a particular diocese religiously.
Some of their duties include baptizing and confirming eligible people. Most people are baptized as infants and confirmed in grade six, but there are many exceptions. In most cases- a priest will baptize the person, but many people prefer a bishop to do the task. The bishop pours water over the person’s head, and blesses them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. They are then welcomed into the family of God.
Bishops are eligible to become popes. A new pope will not be issued under normal circumstances until the pope has passed on. The other bishops, then, will hold a vote for their new pope. They will choose someone who has devoted their life to God, who is very religious and who will spend every day until their dying day serving God and his children to the best of his ability.
A bishop wears a very tall and wide hat, whereas the pope wears a white beanie that barely covers his head. He wears a robe with a belt tied around the waist. The robe can be many colors—depending on which religious celebration is taking place. The most common color of a robe worn by a priest, bishop or pope is white because it symbolizes purity—like the purity of God.
Our bishop is Bishop B. He has been our bishop for quite some time*. He has led a very religious life so far—even in his childhood. He has many siblings—all of which are involved some way in religion. His brother is a priest and his sisters are nuns. Religion is very important to all of them.
Bishop B. didn’t expect to be a bishop. His life was destined to priesthood, or so he thought. Last year, when he visited the school of St. John, he told us how astonished and overjoyed he was to be promoted from priesthood to being a bishop. He told us that he was fully prepared to live a life of holiness and he modestly added that he was doing a pretty good job so far.
He is a friendly man with sparkling eyes and a jolly expression set on his face. His milky white hair gives him character and reminds him and us of his everlasting promise to God that he is in the process of fulfilling**. He seems like he was cut out to be a bishop because he was always there to hear everyone’s stories and pleading cries for forgiveness and mercy and he was always the one who gave the perfect response that sewed up the gaping wounds in people’s souls***.
Our Bishop, Bishop B., will sometime rest in peace. His soul will depart from the Earth and will proceed into the Paradise called Heaven. There he will be given wings and will watch over the world as our Guardian Angel. We will remember him as a brother who was always there to listen to our fears and hopes—who always offered his shoulder to cry on. We will miss him dearly****.
* I love the vagueness here. Hmm… ‘quite some time’, eh?
** For future reference: milky white hair = everlasting promises to God. Remember that the next time you’re playing a word association game.
*** I have no evidence for this whatsoever.
**** I dub this paragraph the Readymade Eulogy. Keep in mind that Bishop B was very much alive and kicking at the time this essay was written.